The Twisted World According to Sakaki
by Berlioz II
Summary: Sakaki's always cool and quiet on the outside, but would anyone dare take a peek on the inside? Rated T for general perviness, major OOCness and humiliating circumstances to Sakaki.
1. Sakaki's Weird Leg Fetish

_This just jumped into my head. I had to write it down. My goodness, I'm probably going nuts._

_Azumanga Daioh © Kiyohiko Azuma, 1999-2002, 2009  
Original story © Berlioz II, 2009_

* * *

**Twisted 1: Sakaki's Weird Leg Fetish**

Oh God, they're so fine. So tough and athletic… And tanned. Kagura. You have wonderful legs.

I know they must have so much strength in them. I can just feel their power by just looking at them. And when you run… I wish I could run next to you forever. After all, that's why I'm always eager to accept your challenges even if I never show it.

Just seeing how the muscles connect and shape their wonderful form, and during running exerting such power. Just perfect. And even your skirt seems almost too short to rein them in from escaping.

I could drool.

But must not do that. Others may notice.

Must stop staring at Kagura's legs.

Look at Yomi.

Her legs aren't anywhere near as shapely or powerful. She needs more exercise. They're a bit… flabby. No, not flabby. Chunky. Yes, that's the word. Not really something I find very appealing, though the potential is there for a fine pair of legs. If only she put a little effort into it…

Oh sh--! Yomi noticed me looking at her.

"You need something, Sakaki?"

Look away and pretend you didn't hear her.

Looks like it worked. She just sighed, shook her head, and got back to reading that book she has. Guess she thinks I'm a right old weirdo, but I don't talk to her anyway, so it doesn't matter…

Danger… averted.

And there's Tomo on the other side of the class…

Mmm… Interesting observation on the side. Wonder why the average looking and sized girls have all pretty good looking legs too… Tomo, Kaorin, Chihiro, Rachel… Quick glances around. Not bad. Not bad at all, actually. Not Kagura fantastic, most certainly, but desirable regardless. Enough so at least for me to want to run my hands up and down them… feel their muscles and their knees, and then touch their _tibialis posterior_ and then smell…

"Sakaki-san! Look at this."

Ah. Almost got carried away. Must remember, I'm in class. I look down. Chiyo-chan. She starts to show me something that I couldn't care less about, but care still because it's Chiyo showing it.

She's so cute.

Oh, but her legs are still such stumps.

Ah, the dilemma. Little Chiyo: so adorably cute. Older Chiyo: most certainly would have great legs.

Why can I not have both?

Not fair.

"Butts on chairs! No more chit chatting! Time to start the class!"

Gah! Yukari-sensei. Always so brash.

And always wears such long skirts. Thank goodness the school uniform skirt at least is so short. The legs show so well. Yukari-sensei needs a very tight and short leather skirt. That would do the trick. I might enjoy an older woman's maturity…

"Okay text books open at page 122. Now, copy the board and answer the question. The predicative of…"

Bored now. Turn to look out window. Make minutes go faster.

…

…

…

That cloud looks like a cat…

_

* * *

This is just random nonsense really. I figure that everyone knows Sakaki likes cute stuff, but you never really see into her head all _that _much. And considering her rather weird dreams, what else runs through Sakaki's highly protected inner walls?_

_Well, this is just a little look into the twisted world that is Sakaki. These are all likely to be short like this one, and the fragmentary style of Sakaki's thoughts are fully intentional. I have no idea what I'm doing with this, but maybe it'll prove to be fun anyway. I'll add stuff as when I feel like it. And suggestions are welcomed if you have good ideas I can use._


	2. Animal Assimilation

_Sakaki just wants to be accepted by cats. Any way possible to make that happen._

**

* * *

Twisted 2: Animal Assimilation**

Why do cats always bite me? Is it, like Kagura once told me, that my hands stink?

Sniff.

I don't smell anything unorthodox.

Just regular human hands.

Maybe it's something else. Something that gets transferred _to_ my hands.

Maybe from my hair or breath. Perhaps when I'm taking a shower, some odours gets stuck in my hands and cats react to them badly.

Maybe it's the shampoo I use.

Well, then again I have used many different shampoos and conditioners, yet the results are always the same. So it can't be something as simple as wrong cleansing products.

Maybe… maybe, it's got something to do with my breath. Yeah. Maybe if it's something from my breath, it could get transferred to my hands when I eat.

Poooh…

Sniff, sniff.

No… I can't smell anything awry about my breath… although that's probably to be expected. The human nose is very much inferior to that of a cat or really any other animal that rely on their sense of smell.

Am I just a disgusting person, then? That animals would shun me? Body odour, pheromones, other natural deficiencies?

Something the animals instinctively pick up from me?

They wouldn't be reacting badly to my… Oh, I hope not. They're not reacting badly to my… own smells? Like thinking I'm trying to take over their territories? Oh, no. It can't be that. It… It mustn't be that! I can't do anything about my natural scents!

No. Wait. Calm down Sakaki. Let's not jump to conclusions… though that does sound a frightfully possible reality.

I just wish that wouldn't be it, because then I'll never be able to get close to a cat during my entire life.

But…

Strange also that it only seems to be cats that have a problem with me.

Oh, my most treasured Neko-Kami-sama! Am I being punished for something? Can I apologise for my digressions?

…Or. On second thoughts, maybe I'm approaching this thing from the wrong angle. Maybe… I am actually being expected to do something about it? Like, an actual physical motion to get their trust or respect?

Maybe it's not about my natural scents, or anything repelling in me, but they just expect me to… do something to gain their trust and friendship.

Yes… That… could be a real idea.

Maybe… Maybe after school I'll try it.

Yes, I think I might be onto something.

I must find a cat on the way home and bite them! Yes. That should solve my problems!

When I bite them, the cats will understand me and then… maybe they'll allow me to pet them.

Maybe by biting me, they are testing if I'm worth their companionship. They want me to bite them back.

Ah… it's all starting to become clear now… Oh, what a happy day!

----

NEXT DAY

"My Goodness! Sakaki-san! What happened to your head?! It's all scratched and bandaged up!! Are you all right?! Did you have a bad fall or something!?"

"He… didn't like it after all. The biting… Maybe that wasn't… a good idea."

"…Sakaki's rough ideas of… foreplay? Could she be a sexual deviant?"

"Best not to even go there, Tomo. Just ignore her."

"It's always the quiet ones…"

_

* * *

Poor Sakaki. Her thoughts were logical, but unfortunately didn't really work. And as many people think Sakaki ends up in fights all the time with all the bandages on her hands, so surely it wouldn't be beyond her to also get involved in rather risqué and rough sexual endeavours too. I just love writing twisted Sakaki!_


	3. The Art of Getting Stuck

_Sakaki's hallucinatory manias are such interesting things to study._

**

* * *

Twisted 3: The Art of Getting Stuck**

What a day. I don't know what is worse. Yukari-sensei as a teacher, or spending eight hours a day away from my comfortable room.

It does give me the opportunity to meet my friends, of course, but at the same time nothing quite beats hugging my stuffed animals and fantasising over the pictures in my Hello Kitty magazines.

Some days thinking of those are the only things that get me through a school day.

Just even bringing to mind kitties lying on blankets and cutely wrestling with each other in little bassenets makes me aroused beyond belief.

Drooooool.

In fact, I think checking out those magazines today would not be such a bad idea actually.

Time to pick up pace…

Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Little kitties, here I come…

"Yo!"

"WAUGH!"

Oh my heart! Lower thyself from my throat.

I know that voice.

Turning around. Yes. As suspected. I was right.

In all his yellow glory: Chiyo-chan's Father.

What could he want from me now so suddenly? In the middle of the day, too?

"You were startled?"

"Mmm… Y-yes. A… a little."

"Human females often are easily scared."

That probably is true.

"Fancy seeing you here, Chiyo's Tall Friend. I was on my way to meet the sorbet people who want to make strawberry sorbet. They must be stopped."

"Oh…?"

"The red will be a disaster of apocalyptic proportions if allowed to go on!" *rumble, rumble*

"I… I see…"

"That is why I have the magical 5 yen as foretold of in the Legend of the Suggestion Box between my spaghetti hands."

"…"

"Now I must go to do battle. Farewell, Chiyo's Tall Friend."

He starts moving past me, but as he is about to pass me he brushes against my arm and drops the coin.

"Oops."

It rolls under a car that's parked at the side of the street.

"How unfortunate. This was most unexpected of an occurrence."

"Umm… yes. I… suppose it was."

"You must now fetch the magical 5 yen for me."

"M-me?"

"This is your fault as you were standing on the same street as I was passing by, Chiyo's Tall Friend. And my spaghetti arms do not reach under the infernal machine."

"Oh…"

"You must go under the infernal machine, and find the magical 5 yen as foretold in the Legend of the Suggestion Box. Otherwise your brain will turn into a jelly bean." *rumble, rumble*

"I… I understand!"

Thus, as I have no other choice, I crawl under the car. It is tight, but I manage to squeeze myself.

Ugh… ugh… ummhh… Now where's the coin? It's so tight that I can't turn to see. In fact, it is so tight I can… I can't… Oh sh-- In fact I can't turn at all. Ummhh… nor can I go back, either. Oh no! I'm… I'm stuck!

"Umm… Chiyo's Father? I… I seem to be stuck. C-could you… possibly help me out? Chiyo's Father? Are you there?"

No response. In fact, no movement at all. Did… did he leave me? Oh no. Now what do I do?

"Help! Help! Somebody! Please!"

Agh. It's no use.

Ooh… This is bad. No… no, somebody must come through here at some point. They'll help me out… I'm sure.

---

15 MINUTES LATER

Where have everybody gone? Have the sorbet people succeeded in making Tokyo a ghost town? And of course, if that is the case, that is all my fault.

And here I am. Still stuck under the infernal machine. Sigh… This is so pathetic. And I had such nice plans for today, too…

*step step step*

…

…

Oh, but wait! What's that sound? Could it be… footsteps?

Yes! Yes, they are! I'm saved.

"Hello? Is someone there? Help! Help me, please!"

"Sakaki?"

Oh my… I can't believe this. Of all the possible people… Tomo! Indeed, she had detention today, and our paths home overlap a bit. What luck!

"Tomo? Tomo! Is that you?"

"Sakaki… what are you doing?"

"Umm… I was just… um… trying to find the magical 5 yen for… Chiyo-chan's Father."

"M-magical… 5 yen? For Chiyo's dad?"

"Mmm… As told in the Legend of the Suggestion Box. So that the sorbet people wouldn't get it. But… I can't seem to find it, and… I… I'm a little… in an embarrassing situation…"

"Magical 5 yen? Sorbet people? Chiyo's… dad? Wha…?"

"Ah.. I'll… I'll explain later. Right now I could just use some lubrication. Could you possibly find some cream or grease so that you can rub it all over my body, Tomo?"

"Like hell! This is way too weird! I'd expect this sort of stuff coming from Osaka, but not from you!"

Sigh… Why must you test my patience so much… "Tomo, will you just please get me some lube."

"Like I _want_ to have anything to do with your sick sex games under the car? No way! I'm getting the freak out of here!"

"Tomo? Tomo?! No, wait! You misunderstood! I'm… I'm just stuck! I need help! Tomo!"

Sigh--- Damn. She's gone. Maybe it was a mistake telling the truth…

Something tells me this will be a very uncomfortable night.

Phoo…

_

* * *

This may come across that Sakaki's a bit too open about the details of her situation to Tomo, but based on her reactions to Chiyo-chichi and what she says to the others about him, I figure she considers Chiyo-chichi to be a very real entity and thus doesn't question anything he has to say to the point of believing everyone else will believe her as well. And Tomo already thinks of Sakaki as a sexual deviant anyway, so…_

_Whether somebody else helped Sakaki get out from under the car, or whether she spent the whole night there, is for you to decide._


	4. OOC

_Pardon for the large amount of sound effects in this chapter, but it's hard to write action material in first person without sounding odd…_

**

* * *

Twisted 4: OOC**

Oh, how I hate cleaning duty. It is so low in my list of likes that if I could only be exempt from it, I would not clean ever again in my life.

Of course, as always, I can't let this show to the others. They'd laugh. And consider me even weirder, or even more of a tough girl if they ever heard.

But I still hate cleaning.

Thus I usually just try to stay unnoticed by everybody else and pretend as if I'm actually doing something else than daydreaming of pussies.

I wonder if I look as pathetic as I feel I do, as I have this stupid rag in my hand and have been sweeping the same spot of the windowsill for the last five minutes now. But nobody has noticed anything, so it's all fine and good as far as I'm concerned.

Why can't the period be over already so that I could go home?

"Sakaki-san?"

Oh! Damn, I hope I'm not caught.

"Hey, could you help me out a little?"

Chiyo-chan. How could I deny anything from you? I still find it so incredible how anybody can be so small and cute, and still be so smart and responsible. I almost wish I could just grab you here right now and huggle you to death… oh, but if only you had maturer legs… then you'd be perfect…

"Sakaki-san?"

"Y-yes?"

"You okay? You were staring at me for quite some time with this… strange look…"

"I'm… I'm fine, Chiyo-chan. Um… What can I do you for?"

"I just wanted to ask if you could go to the home economics class and take these buckets and mops back, please, since they were brought from there?"

"Ah… S-sure. No problem."

"Thanks a lot, Sakaki-san!"

Oh, that was close. Watch yourself, Sakaki, watch yourself…

---

Ugh… Stupid buckets and mops. Why do I have to do this all on my own? Not that this is a really big deal, and I can go home after this, but still… curse your irresistability, Chiyo-chan.

Oh, well… Here's the class… Agh!

*Crash!*

Damn! Stupid mops fell on the floor. Sheesh, I should have asked somebody to accompany me to open doors, even if that would have meant I'd have actually been required to start talking to someone… But guess I'll manage. Let's just open the door first and just push this stuff inside for starters…

Sigh… This is so ungraceful. I'm just glad the hallway's empty and there's nobody seeing.

Now to just drag this stuff into the closet there. Come along… getting there… And another door…

*Crash*

There… All in. Messy, but why would I really care? At this point I just want to go home.

*Swoop*

What the…? Urg… where'd this bucket come from? Didn't I put them all in the closet? How'd I miss this one? And I just had to step _into_ it too…

Damn… *shake, shake* Get off! Argh… this is so annoying. *shake, shake*

Curses. It's not coming off. Hands on approach. Grrrh! Urgh…! Nggnnnn…! Drat!

Okay, okay. It's not that bad. I'll… Ah! I'll just grab the handles of that overhead cabinet over there and use them as balance when trying to wedge it off my foot.

Here… now!

*Thump, bump!*

"Gaaaahh!!!!" Damn doors opened! And who could be so stupid as to leave an open bag of baking soda leaning against the door?!

Oh, damn. I… I can't see a thing. The stuff's all over my eyes!

Must wash it off… Where's the sink? Around here perhaps? Oh, and that stupid bucket's still stuck on my…

*Crash, bang, clang!!!*

"GAH!" What'd I hit now? Stupid measuring cups littering the tables… Oooh!

Okay, so the sink's not that way, so it must be to the right… Damn, I can't see a blasted thing… "OUCH!"

"Stupid desk! My knee!!"

Damn… Take that!

*Kick*

"Ouch…" Big mistake. My toes…

*CRASH*

Oh sh… not something else again! That sounded like glass breaking… Doh!

Gotta get the flour out of my eyes now before something worse happens… Oh, God, Sakaki… now _this _is certainly graceful. You're like a blind pirate with a bucket as a pegleg… What else could possibly go wrong?

*Slip*

"WAUGHHH!!!"

*Thump*

Ugh… Damn cups on the floor… Oh sh---! The towel rack!!!

*Crash, bang, thump!*

"What the hell is going on in here?! What's with the infernal noise?!"

Sigh… Oh, no… As if all of this wasn't enough… This is really what I needed right now. Yukari-sensei… Guess she heard this racket… though I suppose it's no wonder. Can things just _get _any worse?

"Sakaki? What… What the hell have you been doing?"

"Umm…"

"You've trashed the entire classroom!! Look at this mess!"

Oh, how I wish I could…

"So what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Uh…"

"Cat's got your tongue, eh? Well, let me give you a couple words of my own then. DE-TEN-TION!! Oh, and you are staying behind to clean this room when everybody else have left, since you messed it up. Just as an FYI."

Great… Just great. And I was just supposed to bring a couple of stupid mops in here. I could just cry.

Oh, how I hate cleaning duty!

_

* * *

Okay, this was perhaps a bit overt to happen to our dear cute fetishist, but the chapter title should have already told you that much. I just wanted to do a classic comedy escalator sequence where it's not enough for only one thing to go wrong, but the chain reaction once started is unstoppable. Likewise, I've never tried putting baking soda in my eyes myself, so I don't how that feels. Thus I'm playing it for pure comedic effect and not necessarily for reality, just so you know. And once more apologies for the overt usage of sound effects to describe the action._

_Oh, and Cookie for those who noticed an unrelated lewd pun in this chapter. XD_


	5. Revelation

_This was inspired through the little idea of a pun in the last chapter, so I thought if I could just expand it a bit. As if Sakaki's life wasn't twisted enough already, I'm sure it is that way now._

**

* * *

Twisted 5: Revelation**

"…Tadakichi-san is so cute in this picture, isn't he Sakaki-san?"

"Mmm…"

Not as cute as a cat would be, but hey… an animal's an animal.

"He is such a cheese ball. Every time we bring out the camera he just has to ham it up."

"We…?"

"My dad and me."

"Oh… Of course…"

Chiyo's Father…

_"Now, Tadakichi-dog. Stand on the legs that are attached to the back portion of your body, and dance. That way the roots will stay flat and the red things will die with them."_

_"But daddy. Tadakichi-san can't stand on his hind legs. Hihi."_

_"He is but a mutt after all and not a cat with glorious spaghetti arms…"_

_"Gwah!"_

_"Yes, Penguin-maid. Clean the floors with detoxinated cleaning produce and celery."_

_"Gwah!"_

_"I think she froze again, daddy. Hihi."_

GAH!

I must not think of that now. It will freak me out. Curse that _penguin_…

"Sakaki-san? You okay?"

"Huh? Oh… Yes. I am fine, Chiyo-chan."

"Oh, good. I just wondered when you didn't respond to me."

"Ah… sorry. W-what was it you said again?"

"I was just talking about Aoi-san's new kitten. She got her over on the weekend. Look, she gave pictures of her for everyone to see, too."

*Drooool* Oh my God! That kitten is so cute!

Those little paws. That pink nose. Those wondering eyes. So innocent. And such soft looking fur… And…

"Cute, isn't she?"

"Mmm… Yes."

Almost too cute… I… I wish I could have one too. But of course my mom has to be allergic. Not to mention cats don't like me… Sheesh, my life sucks.

"By the way, do you like cats, Sakaki-san?"

"Oh… ahm… Well… Kinda… Yeah…"

"Hihihi! That's neat."

"Y-yeah…"

"Just the reason I'm asking, Sakaki-san, is that Aoi-san invited me over to see the kitten just before, and I was just thinking that if you don't have anything more pressing to do after school, that maybe you could come with me to her house and see the kitten? It's just that I'd like somebody closer to me to go along so that I won't be completely alone with somebody I don't know that well yet. I'm sure it'd be okay for Aoi-san too. So… would you come too? Please?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"A-alright… That… That sounds really good."

"Yay!"

Cute Chiyo-chan wants me to go along with her to see this cute kitty? This is so… so great! Chiyo's such a good friend!

"And then we can pet her and feed her and stuff!"

"Yes. That sounds like a good idea, Chiyo-chan. I would love to stroke her pussy."

"KLOOOOH???"

Huh? Now what? Oh… just Tomo. Noisy as always. Why can't she ever come to class normally without attracting so much attention to herself?

…But wait… What the heck is she staring at me with such a flabbergasted look for? Lucky her eyes aren't popping out, or that her jaw isn't about to detach and hit the floor.

"Tomo-chan…?"

"Waaaaaahhh!!! I should have known! WAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhh…!!!"

And off she goes again, running out of the classroom, flailing her arms around, while maintaining that infernal racket. I truly wonder how Yomi stands her company so much. I'm having difficulties even by just glancing at her.

Oh, well… At least I can get the chance to see the kitten today, hopefully…

---

NEXT DAY

Sigh… such a disappointment. Who knew that even little kittens like that can go so completely berserk around me? My arms are still all scratched up. Guess that's the last time I'll ever be invited to Aoi-san's house to see the kitten. I just hope that I didn't torpedo Chiyo's chances to become a closer fried to Aoi-san while I was at it…

Such a sad predicament… Why must I be like this?

"…There's she is…"

"Oh, yeah… Better not get too close…"

Hmh? That's odd.

Passing by all the students in the hallway… wonder why they're giving me such strange looks all of a sudden?

Not to mention, as I pass them by they seem to either dodge out of my way or are whispering to each other about… something.

"…So she really is?"

"…I had my suspicions…"

"…bandages from… those kinds of games, you know…"

"…Kyaa… you think she's looking at me?"

"…Of course… Insider information…"

"…imagine she talked of that stuff to an 11-year-old…"

"…A little tact at least would be in…"

What has gone into everybody all of a sudden? I don't… I don't have something on my face, do I? I… I don't think so…

"Sakaki-san?"

Ah. What a relief. At least someone who doesn't act all strange and evasive…

"Good morning, Kaorin."

"Good morning. Um… And congratulations."

"Eh? For what?"

"Well… you know. For being so brave."

"Brave…?"

"Yeah, as to… you know, come out with it like that. So suddenly."

What the heck is she talking about? "Um… I'm not quite sure I understand…"

"I mean, not many other girls would so openly come out and say they like… other girls… like that… and so freely…"

"What!?"

"Oh, but don't worry! I think it's really, really cool! And I support you fully! A hundred percent! So don't worry about it."

What…? What the hell? "Err… Kaorin… I… um… Where'd you hear something like this from?"

"Eh? Why, Tomo-chan of course. She was telling the whole school about it. You know, that… you're a… a l-lesbian and stuff…"

"She… she said what?!"

"And I just wanted you to know that I'll stand behind you all the way!"

"Oh…?"

"Or… or in front of you… which ever way you prefer. But… I… I just wanted to tell you how… how proud of you I am. I think you've just become cooler beyond what I could have ever even dared hope for. It's almost like a dream come true…"

"…"

"And if you ever need anybody to defend you, you can always come to me, and I'll be right there!"

"…"

"A-anyway…! I… I won't bother you any further, Sakaki-san. I… I just wanted you to know what I thought about it… So, I think I'll just… um… go prepare for class… But, talk to you later and stuff… Bye!"

"…"

"…"

"Dot… Dot… Dot…"

Oh, crap.

Tomo's really freakin' done it this time… This is even worse than the car incident…

Oh, wait until I get my hands on her…

Sigh…

Maybe… maybe this was the wrong day to come to school. Yeah… I think I'll just turn around and go back to bed. Maybe tomorrow will prove that this was just a bloody awful dream…

I _hate _my life…

_

* * *

Guess it was only a matter of time that the standard Azu-fandom issue of Yuriness had to come into this as well. So now Sakaki's a lesbian sexual deviant as far as the school's concerned, once more thanks to Tomo's jumps to conclusions. Sakaki sure doesn't have it easy, does she? But hand it to Kaorin to be very happy about this turn of event, though. XD_


	6. Animal Lover

_Long time no write anything, eh? Well, anyway I got a bout of inspiration on this story on how to go forward. This was never supposed to be a story with a continuous plot so the last chapter was a bit difficult in figuring out how to pervert Sakaki more while moving on from the lesbian rumours. But anyway, I got this idea, so I wrote it. Hope you enjoy._

**

* * *

Twisted 6: Animal Lover**

"Hey, Sakaki!"

Fuck you, Tomo!

God! Can my school day start any worse?

The last thing I want to see first when I walk into class is your stupid, hyperactive and obliviously happy face telling me "good morning".

…After all that hell you put me through with your baseless gossips, I'm not going to be your friend in a while.

Of course, she's so dense that she'll probably never get the idea across unless I actually speak it out instead of just glaring at her… no matter how laced with poison my eyes are.

It's been a shitty couple of weeks for me anyway. Not only have I had to stand all those whispers and looks - and even a few egregious gropes from a few forward females - I've also had to stand the humiliation of being thought as some kind of a pervert.

And it's taken me ages to try and convince everybody else that I'm not in fact a lesbian…

…Or who am I kidding? I haven't done anything to try to convince anybody. Except from looking uncomfortable and constipated.

Yeah, I probably really should try to think about ways of becoming more open so that I could dispel such rumours in the bud. Just I don't know how to really do that without suddenly feeling at a complete loss for words and then just making me look stupid or even more guilty.

Yeah, I really have to be thankful to at least my other friends… those besides Tomo that is.

Of course not being oblivious to the rumours themselves, they've also been a huge support to me. Particularly Kagura and Yomi who, once they finally had gotten around to ask me how things really were, did a large amount of damage control in spreading the word around school that I'm really just as normal as everybody else, and that Tomo's just an ass not worth her salt to be taken seriously.

And thus, little by little, the gossips started to wilt and people got on with their lives. I did seem to notice a few people looking a bit disappointed for some reason - and I'm not sure but Kaorin seemed downright depressed for a few days from her normal happy self, but that was probably just my imagination. Maybe Kimura had picked on her again.

But anyway, if Tomo thinks that I'm just going to forgive and forget this easy, she has another thing coming.

Oh yes. I'll probably forgive her one day, but that day has yet to come.

But at least now things are looking up better. Even if school is as boring as it ever was, at least it's getting comfortable again, and I can just relax looking out the window as I always did before this whole mess started.

Not only that, but Kagura has shaved her legs as well so they're _really _smooth now. Mmm… That's certainly a nice perk.

Other than this and my anger toward Tomo, the school day ambled on rather uneventfully save for Osaka dropping her udon on her lap during lunch, causing her a few mild burns. And just as every other day, once the final bell rang I immediately left for home.

"Oi, Sakaki! Wait up!"

Oh… Kagura. I gave her an inquisitive look.

"Wanna walk home the same time?"

Well, I suppose that'd be okay. After all, apart from her usual boring ramblings about sports and other related mumbo jumbo, she was a rather nice companion to walk with. And with her legs looking so fine now, and her large breasts jumping in time with her breathing in a strangely hypnotic way, why not? At least she's a _true _friend. I give her a nod, "Mmm."

"Cool!"

---

Having walked for around fifteen minutes now, and with Kagura jabbering on about wanting to become someone equal of some guy named Hironoshin… Furu---… something about a flying fish or whatever… I didn't really pay attention - the walk went on as normal as it could.

"…and the training with Kurosawa-sensei has really helped me learn some great techniques. I still have ways to go, but I'm really wanting to break out once I get out of school. Hmm… maybe I should also consider a breast reduction in the future. I mean, if I wanna break it into the big leagues, I want to get the best performance out of my body, and a little less pointless weight will always go a long way. Not to mention I'mada yadda ya ya yadda bla blar blahgleaghlalaa mlaaah…"

Kagura sure talks a lot.

"…Blah Bleh Bleach bob bop maah yadda yadda…"

I wonder does she herself even realise that I barely understand at all what she's even talking about…

"…And then blah blah blah swimming bleh bleh bleh track team yadda yadda MEOOOOW…"

HALT!

Wait! What was that last one? Sounded like a kitty…

But that wasn't Kagura, was it? Sounded more like… it came from that alley.

"Meoooow!"

A… a cat.

Must… resist… oh, shove it.

Walking into the alley, I am proven correct. There indeed is a cat there. A wondrous and majestic animal. The cat is a truly handsome, light brown haired cutie. Oh, maybe this one will let me pet him…

Come. Come on. Let me touch you…

Oh, how handsome a cat. Ah… and he's approaching me!

Maybe… maybe this is it. Maybe it finally happens…

"Yes… there's nothing to be afraid of."

Putting out my hand…

"GWAH!"

The cat suddenly jumps on me and sinks his claws into my abdomen.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow… I can't believe it but this actually hurts more than getting bitten on the fingers!

Oh, at least the cat is close to me, but… "AHHHH!" still…

Must… accept… the… pain! I can't let this opportunity go!

But… but still… "OOOH!"

Oh crap! I… I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I… I have to get the cat off of me! This hurts _too _much!

"Okay, come along, kitty. Time to get off-of-of-offf… oww…"

This is not fun…

"WAH AH AH AHHHH… OOH!"

Oh, no problem… Come along, let… let go…

"No! No, not the skirt… AHHH!!!"

Oh, bugger. Now he pulled my skirt down to my knees…

"HISSSSS!!!"

Don't you hiss at me young… cat.

"Oi, Sakaki? Sakaki? Where'd you go…?"

Oh… And there's Kagura's voice! She must have noticed that I left her side.

"Sakaki? You here? Sa…"

And there she is, rounding the corner and stopping in mid-sentence with eyes widening in shock… oh, I have a bad feeling about this…

Time seemingly stops for a few fleeting seconds before resuming with…

"Sa… Sakaki? Wha - - - what are you… doing?"

Of course at that moment the cat decides to let go of my shirt and, letting out a long screech, runs off down the alley, leaving me behind with my skirt halfway down my legs.

"Ah…"

"S-Sa-Sakaki…? What… just happened?"

"Oh, no, wait Kagura. It's nothing! He…he just wanted to play a little…"

"Oh… o-okay… Umm… You… you know what? I… I actually just remembered that I… umm… that I had somewhere I needed… to be right now… and… and I guess I'm already a little late, so… uhhh… I'll… I'll see you tomorrow at school… I guess… so… so bye!"

And then she takes off with all her athletic ability.

"Kagura! Kagura, wait!"

But no. By the time I get my skirt pulled back up and reach the corner of the alley, Kagura's no longer anywhere in sight. Guess she really did push every ounce of strength out of those wonderfully toned legs.

Oh, God… Please, don't let this be misunderstood!

---

NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL

"…she was totally doing a number on that cat, Tomo. It was so freaky… her skirt was like down to her legs and she was grunting too… I could hardly believe what I was seeing, but… maybe you were right all along about her…"

"Told ya so."

Of course! Why did I even dare to entertain hope?

Anachronistic nyoro~n.

_

* * *

Sakaki, the cat rapist. She just can't catch a break can she? Or at least not in this story… since then there'd be no story. Also, I guess I should clarify for those to whom it may be unclear still, but inner Sakaki is very different to outer Sakaki. You just don't get to see that potty mouthed semi-pervert that she really is under her quiet tranquillity, coolness and animal softiness. Hope this continues being amusing anyway. Feel free to send a note if you want to._


	7. Imaginarium Chichis

_Well, here's something different for ya. It's a bit longer than my usual entries in this series, but hope you find it interesting at least._

**

* * *

Twisted 7: Imaginarium Chichis**

Ah, what a wonderful, sunny day this is.

Can't get much better than this I think. The sunshine is off the charts and the wispy little summer breeze tickles just enough to be pleasantly cooling.

It's the weekend and the world couldn't look more gay.

Children are darting here and there wild at play, and lovers are walking hand in hand enjoying themselves away from everyday chores.

Traffic is scarce and squirrels are scurrying cutely from tree to tree at this little oasis in the middle of the usually busy city.

In my best of dreams I don't think I could have thought of a better atmosphere for me to live in… except of course with the addition that this place would otherwise be filled with cuddly kitties that would allow me to touch and fondle them.

Ahh… but that is unfortunately just a fantasy. A fantasy I think I better not entertain right now lest it gets out of hand…

But at least I can try to make the best of the reality I have right now and enjoy myself to the fullest of my capabilities.

And, of course, the best thing of all in being here today is that all my good friends are here too, sharing these lovely sensations with me…

"I'll kill you, Tomo!"

"Hey, be careful not to overstress yourself, Yomi! You know fatsos have a higher risk of getting a heart attack."

"GAAAAHH!!! I hate you!!!"

"Tomo-chan! Yomi-san! Please don't fight!"

Sigh… or at least some of them.

Hmh… leave it to Tomo to bring everybody's enjoyment down along with her. Oh, well. I guess those two'll settle down after a while again when they get enough running around after one another, as usual.

"Ha! Those two just never get enough of that, eh Sakaki?"

"Mmm."

"Yeah well, at least it keeps things interesting, right?"

"Mmm."

"Right… umm… Nice weather out now, though."

"Mmm."

"Birds in trees and stuff…"

_"Mmm."_

"…Uh… And flowers… a-and sun… sun sun… sunny sun sun…"

What part of "Mmm" didn't you understand, Kagura, that I'm not good at small talk? You should know that by now to not even try. And now see where that got you? Awkward silence.

"Yep… trees…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…You know, I was just in town last Thursday, and saw these killer running sneakers there for professional track and field…"

_And _there we go. How did I know that subject was just around the corner. Honestly, can't you think of anything else to talk about than sports, Kagura? Like… cute cats maybe? Or sexy legs? Or long, blond wigs you can wear and pretend you're Pamela Anderson?

No, of course not, it's always sports.

Honestly, I'd rather listen to Osaka's wild theories on aliens should she be doing something else than focusing on munching those magic mushrooms.

…And I mean she's eating pink marshmallows _shaped _like mushrooms called "Magic Mushrooms", not doing drugs!

Anyway, I'm sorry Kagura, but despite how hot you are - and I mean that in the strictest heterosexual aesthetic sense only - you're really just boring and dry. And you don't even have an ounce of wit to carry on a conversation on something that would at least keep me entertained if not actually interested. No offence, really.

I guess I should say this to your face one of these days so that you might save me in the future from having to listen you ramble on about this totally _dull _subject, but I have a feeling that'll remain just what it is… a thought. Just like my intentions in telling Tomo that I truly hate her deep down, or that Yomi indeed is a little fat, or that Osaka is a borderline nut job that I'm afraid of being in the same room alone with…

"Hey, guys? We decided to go get some ice cream. Would you like anything?"

Ah, Chiyo-chan… the only truly perfect person among my friends.

"Oh? Heh… split the argument up with ice cream bribes, Chiyo?"

"Eh he he… y-yeah, Kagura-san."

"Okay, sounds good to me!"

"Right! Tell me what you want, and me and Yomi-san will run out to get some from that ice cream stand over there."

Of course, Tomo just had to jump into this too in her usual annoying way and start an argument with Yomi in how she wanted to go get the ice cream instead… which I'm guessing must have some kind of a catch to it that'll hit Yomi eventually. Cutting the story short, Yomi eventually folded in frustration, and after taking our orders - my vanilla cone one which Tomo promptly ignored, saying she was getting me pistachio instead even though I hate it - Tomo left with Chiyo, leaving me waiting with Yomi, Kagura and Osaka.

It wasn't long before Yomi and Kagura fell into talking about something on their own, thankfully leaving me out of it this time, while Osaka continued gulping down her sweets.

At least now I don't have to pretend to be interested in their talks, nor try my hand at awkwardly actually holding a conversation. Just gives me a little time to thin…

"YO!"

GAH!

What the…?

Oh my goodness! What the heck? What is _he _doing here?

Chiyo-chan's father… was he spying on his own daughter?

"Hello, once more, Chiyo's Tall Friend. The polka dotted bird sang a tune of Hoo-Hoo-Dandy in the fine morning, and brought despair to the snails."

I can really just nod in greeting.

"Is it not that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, or is it actually blue?"

Uh…

"It is thus that I have made the decision of calling the red things… oh, yes. The red things… _Death Apples_."

"All right…"

"Huh? You say something, Sakaki?"

What?

"Oh… nothing, Kagura. I was just talking to Chiyo-chan's father."

"……..Eh?"

"Mmm."

"Umh… oh, haha! Yeah, you mean… like earlier or something? Of course. Sorry. Got a little confused there for a second. Hahaha!"

Stare. What was that all about? Another of her jokes that I just don't get?

"Uh… What do you mean, Kagura?"

"Huh? Umm… What do you mean what do I mean?"

"I mean that Chiyo's father is standing right there."

…I say as I direct my hand in his direction.

"What? Where?"

Oh, good grief, Kagura. There is a time and place for this kind of joking around, but you should really try to realise when it is appropriate and when not.

Sigh. "Please, Kagura. Could you not try to joke around like that. It's quite rude and inappropriate. And by the way, you should greet him too. It's rather rude to ignore others."

Hmh. All right, I know Kagura can be a little rough socially, but ignoring someone so blatantly like that is just plain rude. Look at her just glancing at Yomi, who surprisingly also seems to be rudely ignoring our young charge's parent, both completely blowing off someone as important and respectable as Chiyo-chan's father, which I find completely confounding.

"Sack of Lard and Two Lumps need growing up in the Honti-Tonti-Land and eat their… _Death Apples._"

"Mmm… I suppose so."

"_Violets are pretty, infernal machines are noisy. Loving is simple, when drugs make you feel rosy._"

"Uh… That's a… nice poem."

"I conjured the line of word values from the lasagne in my canopy with great ingenuity."

"Mmm. It was a very interesting poem. You are quite talented."

"Oh… Ah! Ah ha haha haha haha!"

Oh, God Kagura! Now you even laugh at his expense? What the hell is wrong with you?

"Haha! I… I get it now! Ha ha ha! Pretty funny, Sakaki. You… you really had me going there for a while. Chiyo's father… Ha ha ha!"

I can't believe this. She's openly laughing in his face now! I… I can't even think of what to say here!

"You really had me, Sakaki! I almost thought you were being serious. Ha ha ha! But I guess, since you don't joke around a lot, it was kinda hard to figure out first. You… You really pulled our legs!"

And then she bursts out another row of laughter. And even Yomi is looking a little amused.

*RUMBLE*

Oh, oh! That doesn't sound good…

Indeed, as I feared, Chiyo's father seems to be getting angry. He's already rumbling and changing colours wildly. Soon he'll turn black!

"Please. Please stop laughing. This is not funny. You're offending him…"

Oh, that just made Kagura laugh twice as hard.

"Kagura! Stop that and apologise immediately!"

My tougher words thankfully quieted her down. I guess it is rather unusual for them to hear me raise my voice like that and launch an angered frown at them, but well… enough is enough.

"I am sorry, Chiyo's father. I don't know what's going on with them, but I assure you they're not usually like this. Please. Please forgive them. I'm sure they didn't mean any disrespect."

After a couple of seconds of tense waiting, Chiyo's father luckily seemed to settle down again and turn into his usual yellow self.

Taking a cleansing breath, I then turned back to Kagura and Yomi.

"Kagura. Yomi. Apologise immediately."

"W-what? To who?"

Frustrated sigh. "_To Chiyo-chan's father_, Kagura." Honestly, did you leave your brain behind when you left home today?

But instead of apologising, she just gives a thoroughly confused and mixed up look. "Apolog… But… But there's… there's no-one there!"

Oh God… Why do you test my patience so much today, Kagura? "What are you talking about. He is standing right there, and can hear everything you say."

I even point for good measure, but to no apparent avail.

"Umm… Sakaki. You know Kagura's right… right? I mean… there really is nobody there."

Not you too Yomi.

Fine. Have it your way then.

"Hey, Osaka. Could you come here for a moment?"

Osaka quickly snaps her attention away from her candy and a few seconds later says "Okey-dokey" as she starts to calmly amble off to where we are standing. Now we'll just see.

"Hey, Osaka. Could you do me a favour and tell those two jesters there that Chiyo-chan's father is standing right there?"

"Chiyo-chan's father?"

"Yes. You _do_ see him don't you? He's right there."

"Ah. Yes. Of course ah see him. Hello, Chiyo's daddy. Beautiful day, ain't it?"

Well, there you go. I can only give a satisfied smirk as Kagura and Yomi's stupid little games have been finally brought to an end thanks to Osaka's presence.

"Oh! And there's ta Pumpkin Monster, too!"

"…"

The…? Oh, for the love of…

*Facepalm*

"Hey, ya still comin' to mah tea party tomorrow with Jack the Knife? … Great. I'll see ya there then. Remember to bring ta cheese!"

Oh, for the love of… So much for my reliable witness.

"The mice dance the polka on the table when the cheese is restored on the cumulative plane," Chiyo's father says as he changes a few more colours in apparent… joy?

And the remaining two look just plain uncomfortable…

Sigh… This is going well.

After an awkward silence of about a minute, finally Tomo and Chiyo return with the ice creams… with Tomo predictably having already eaten hers and is now half-done munching down Yomi's treat as well. I _knew _there was a reason Tomo wanted to go on the ice cream trek.

Well, at least thankfully Chiyo-chan is now here to see her father without trying to make fun of him… or imagining non-existing creatures. See if we can finally settle this whole mess with hopefully a laugh and a shrug with Chiyo's father not holding a grudge on any of us.

"Ah, Chiyo-chan! Your father is here."

A look of curiosity immediately creased her face.

"My dad? What's he doing here? I thought he was at the office."

"Oh, Sakaki, please… no…"

Yomi tries to give me glances, knowing her game is up, but no dice.

"Mmm. Indeed. He's right over…" gone.

"Oh? Where? I don't see him."

Sigh… "Well, he was there just a moment ago, but… he must have got up and flown away."

"Oh…?"

Another awkward silence. This is rather… embarrassing.

Finally, Yomi breaks the moment and glances at her watch.

"Oh! Hey, you know. I… umm… I actually just remembered that I… I need to go home and do my homework. Sorry."

"Huh? Right now? On a Saturday? But you never do your homework until Sunday when I come over to copy them."

"Heh, yeah, Tomo. I… I really have a lot of it backlogged and… uh… I think I really need to get along and do it… In fact, Chiyo-chan? Could you come along and help me out?"

"Really? Sure, Yomi, I'd be delighted to be of an assistance." :)

"Great. Well, I guess we should get going then so we can get started and all. So, I'll see you guys later! Come on, Tomo! Let's go cram!"

"What? Why me too? I don't wanna do no homework on a Saturday!"

"Shut up, and just come along…"

"Oh, maaan!!!"

"Bye then, everyone! I'll see you guys in school on Monday, okay?"

And so the three hastily retreat, with Chiyo-chan quickly trying to catch up to the already trotting form of the Tomo-dragging Yomi.

"Yeah, a-actually, I think I should go too… 'C-cause my mom doesn't want me to stay out too late. S-she says there's all sorts of creeps in the park, so…"

"But it's only four P.M."

"It is? W-well… I guess I should hurry then! See you around… like never."

And without more ado, Kagura also jogs off leaving me alone with only… Osaka.

"Well… seems it's just you and mah self left now."

Uh-huh…

"How nice."

Mm-hmm…

…

…

…

"Hey, Sakaki-san? Have ya ever tried stuffing your panties with acorns and pretended that they're testicles?"

"…No…"

"Do ya think kickin' them would hurt more on a girl than kickin' a boy's groin? Ya know, like when givin' birth?"

Oh, dear Lord! Caught together with a complete loonie.

Please don't kill me, Osaka…

"Do ya want to come to mah tea party tomorrow too, Sakaki-san?"

"NO!!"

_

* * *

Well, I've always wanted to do one of these where Sakaki's mental state is a bit… questionable to say the least. I figure that Sakaki seems to really believe in Chiyo-chichi's existence, considering for instance how she plainly says to the others of the Chiyo-chichi plushie that it is indeed Chiyo's father, and she seems to be the only one to ever see Chiyo-chichi while also being awake (even Osaka was at sleep during her single encounter). I do like the idea that maybe Sakaki is truly a bit unhinged in the brain, and I had really wanted to make one where Chiyo-chichi actually manifests himself while Sakaki was with the others._

_I do think that I wrote Sakaki perhaps a bit too confrontational in both her thoughts and actions here, but I'm not going to try to fix it. It is what it is. And I did quite like adding Osaka's maniacal thoughts as counterpoint to Sakaki's hallucinations as well. Hope you enjoyed._


End file.
